Heartbreak; Is it that bad?

It didn’t last a very long time, three months. Three months with my family, with your family, without her. My mind was on such a wild and beautiful vacation with you. You threw it all away in the worst way possible and left me alone with so many questions. Did I deserve this for what I’ve done?

I split up a couple unintentionally. You told me you didn’t love her, I told you to leave me alone. I was not going to be a home wrecker. You were in a serious relationship for three years; how do I compare? But somehow, I was so much better. The spark you once saw in her, you saw in me only multiplied.

Three months in; you told me you loved me. You told me you were IN LOVE with me. I’ve never seen you so happy in the four months of knowing you. That night, on my bed, was the best memory of you and I will never forget it. You had something to say and I was anticipating something excited. Grab ahold of my face, stared deeply into my eyes, with that beautiful smile that still haunts me everyday, you told me you loved me.

But you didn’t mean any of it? I can’t believe that’s true. I can’t believe I didn’t mean a thing in your life. I know I’m better off without you, and you are better off with her. Couldn’t you have seen me one last time? Broke up with me in person? You expected a pathetic text ‘I think it’s better if I was alone to think for a bit’ meant we were over?

We weren’t officially dating. You never asked. I had my doubts but you would use your oh-so-rehearsed words to reassure me that I was the one for you. But that didn’t mean a text message would do it. It didn’t mean you could ask me to not disclose certain information to her. My mind must have blocked certain characteristics of you out. You are not even half the man I thought you were.

I was hurt for so long. It’s been about four months and it still hurts me everyday. Not the knee buckling, fall down to the ground, growling cries of pain, kind of pain. It’s an inner pain that’s always there. Everyday goes by with at least one thought of you. I miss you. I still have feelings for you. I never said I loved you. I don’t even know if I did. All I know is that you are a really special person to me. You will always be. All the things I said to you, I will own up to. I meant everything even if you claim to mean none of it.

And no, sorry doesn’t cut it. I don’t think anything will. Saying it many times doesn’t make it better either. I won’t ever forget what you did because it haunts me everyday. I will never ever forgive you for what you made me go through. That month was the worst possible month for me and I can’t believe it was you who did this to me.I didn’t know how to deal with the pain and I still don’t. I don’t know what I need to do, what I need to see, what I need to hear, what I need to feel, what I need to experience to make things better. No one’s caring words are helping, no one’s bitter remarks are helping, people are going out of their way to try to reach me, but I don’t know how to reach them. I feel like I’ve changed into someone I don’t want to be. When I sit down to think about it, I want help. I want someone to cure me, help me out of the misery I feel. But I know there’s no one out there but myself. I just don’t know where to start.

I doubt a day will pass when you don’t cross my mind even a year from now. I just hope you’re happy. I wish you didn’t cut off all communications with me for her but I know, even though I don’t like it, that it is the best. Cheers to you, as you get everything you wanted and more while I sit here with less than I started out with. I will live my life, don’t get me wrong, and I will live it to the fullest to my ability. I just wish I didn’t have to try to suppress the depressing thoughts of your blue eyes, your beautiful smile, your amazing laugh, your loving words along with your harsh ones, your inhumane way of breaking the ties between us, and your meaningless sorries that I have to live my life hearing in my head.

 

Slacking off.

What am I doing?…
Why am I giving up?…
It’s not over yet. It won’t be over for a long time. Why can’t you get that through your head! Stop wasting your time thinking. Stop wasting your time doing nothing but sitting around watching television series online or going out with your friends. Keep studying. Keep going.
Just because you got into university, it doesn’t mean it’s over yet. You still need those marks. Keep trying, I know you can do it. It’s a blessing, or hard work, to be accepted into university. You know that you’re best friend whom is smarter than you couldn’t even make it into her first, second, or last choice. Pick up your slack and let’s get down to studying. You have the rest of the week which only comes to three days left to prepare for your three major exams.
Keep going! Don’t give up. You should know that if you give up now, you’ll never be able to get back into it. Don’t waste your life away when you suffered through so much already.

One of those days..

You know those days where you just don’t know? You don’t know what you want. You don’t know what you need. You feel like you’re waiting for something that will never come. Or maybe you just don’t even know what you’re waiting for? Those days when you feel so lost.. out of place.. like no one else would ever experience what you feel. Like there’s a load of everything on your shoulders that you want to express/rant to someone/something but there’s really nothing there? Or maybe you’re just holding back things that you have promised not to tell.. what will you do now?
This is kind of a weird blog. But my other blogs were weird too. So, it’s all good. The description I described up there relates to how I feel right now. I sat there, for almost half an hour, just wondering what it was that’s calling my name. Is it time to rant? But there’s nothing to rant about. Is it time to cry? I don’t feel the tears building up. Is it time to do homework? Always, but something is stopping me. It’s like I’m secretly waiting for something that I never knew I was waiting for. Until this thing arrives, I will never know. It’s just a feeling that won’t go away. What is it?! It’s driving me nuts.
I also feel like I need to be somewhere. School, shopping, playing basketball, eating, anything. Anything but this waiting feeling..

Maybe I’m just getting too excited for prom coming up. But I’m not? I’m more excited about going out with my friends on Friday to go prom dress shopping. And to an All You Can Eat Buffet on Sunday. And then spending the night at Niagara Falls in the summer with my friends. No parents. No stress. I am excited. But that can’t mean I’m waiting for all of that to happen… am I?

I’m probably just going mental. Dear Universities, please stop telling me to do things. Thanks.

Don’t let the boat sink

When you feel like you need to give up.. When you feel like anything you do will have no affect. Anything that you say, anything that happens, will not affect your life in any way. Or maybe you feel like even if you die, no one would care. Everyone can still go on with life, it wouldn’t change a second in the Earth’s rotation around the sun. Maybe if you go away now, you don’t have to ruin anything else.
Before you make that final decision; think. Think about all the people you WILL hurt. Is there someone out there that still (tries) to talk to you? Still tries to help? Constantly shows up, even if it’s at the wrong times? You’ll hurt them. Don’t take them for granted.
There are many cliched terms about life. This is because we all go through the same thing. Whether it’s at different ages or even different scenarios.. we all have to indure what life throws at us. Instead of having thoughts to end the pain, why don’t you think of moving on? Going past this obstacle. Because if you die, then you lose. Nobody else loses in this process but you. You had a chance to become stronger, to strengthen yourself, but you chose to leave it. A problem hit you in the face and you let it smother you and take you down. Fight it. Mentally. Take this problem off your face, off your back, off your chest, and LEAVE IT BEHIND.
There will be times when you look back, and you’ll think to yourself, I can’t believe I did it. You came all this way and passed all those problems..
Even right now, you came a long way. You must have faced many problems. There isn’t a set ‘normal’ so there wouldn’t be a set ‘bad’. Everyone’s opinion in problem is different. I could have a problem when there’s no ice in my iced tea but others might think of that as a stupid problem. But a problem is a problem. Reflect on all those problems you’ve had.. you’ve already stepped over them so why can’t you fight another? Why let it stop you now?

Learning experience

I’m glad you became a phase in my life where I learned from experience. You have told me sweet things that every girl wants to hear. You know exactly what to say, exactly what we want to hear. Even if it’s way out of the world, way into the future, and way too much of a lie. I believed you every second, every moment, every single line. Thanks, for taking my stupidity and using it to the extreme. Thanks for taking my breath away and detaching from me when you were done. Thanks for cheating. Thanks for giving me your hotmail password. I can’t be thankful enough.
I can only say one thing: What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Obviously, I wasn’t in too deep to hurt my heart. But I was hurt for a period of time. And I did care for a period of time. I’m glad I was the one who ended this. But I didn’t say what I wanted to say. I never got a chance. You blocked me out and it seems like you will proceed to do so for your whole life. So here goes nothing:

You are a sad excuse for mankind. I feel bad because you’re the only guy I’ve ever had an official relationship with. You blew it. You blew my chance to be happy with a guy. You blew everything! You blew everything out of proportion and now you’re ignoring me. Can you grow up? This only proves that age has no correlation to maturity. How did I see you were mature? Maybe that’s the only lie that worked. Yet again, I did believe that you actually wanted to marry me when we were of age. It’s out of the question but saying that really meant something to me. And saying you love kids.. you just know exactly what to say don’t you. How about you look my way when our lockers are in the same hall with 5 other lockers in between? Can you say hi? Did I break your heart? No. You barely fell for me. If you did… did you have to cheat with another girl with the SAME FIRST NAME AS ME? Is that why you called me babe? So you don’t confuse the both of us? Well congrats, maybe you and her will live happily ever after. Seeing how she’s 23 and you’re 19. The whole time.. she knew. The whole time.. she would talk about me. Telling you how I would be jealous of her. Well, how mature of a 23 year old to say things about a 17 year old. There’s no competition.. if you want him.. you got him. Do you have ANY SENSE? If he can do it to me.. he will do it to you! It angers me that you think you’ve won. Anyway, man up and fix things. I know a part of you is a good person. I know you regret things but I need to know if you actually think I was a mistake like you announced to the world. How was I the mistake? Every night you would tell me how much you appreciated me being around and how sorry you are for acting the way you were. I didn’t care about how you acted when you are frustrated because I cared about you. I can indure anything. When you didn’t want clingy, I stopped communicating with you. I would only answer to whatever you texted or only talked when you called. Did that help anything? Nope. It only separated us. But maybe that’s what you wanted all along. Be a man please.

That’s all I have to say. Well, obviously there’s more. But hey… I don’t want to write a novel. I have more important things to do, like watch television, than to dwell on the past. Especially if it’s a bad part of a past. That’s human for you. We are born to dwell on bad thoughts.
In the end, I’ve become stronger and I don’t fall for lines anymore. I know what I want to hear but I won’t look forward to hearing it. It makes looking for a relationship harder as well as putting the guy into a hard position. Trust is all I need. Gain it first. I like this lesson. It took a couple of months but I’m set now. I won’t fall. I know I won’t. I’m stronger than that. I can’t go through the same thing over and over again.